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26 May 2010 @ 01:39 am
"I love you, too"

That is how it ended. Not a real life story - that's a perfect ending for a real life story. That's how the show ended, the show I had spend a lengthy amount of time watching. And I couldn't help but think about you when it ended. Think about you and think about various scenarios. Not memories. But those scenarios were fuelled, quite obviously, due to the memories I had with you. They were triggered by the fact that I loved you. Do I still love you? I do wonder about that. I think the real answer is that I don't know. But whenever I wonder that, I force my head to say no. Anyway, so I play these scenarios in my head. Scenarios of bumping into you and what I would say. Whether it would be dramatic in a quiet way, like I'd play a "you abandoned me so you don't really deserve a word from me" card, or whether I would just be indifferent. But the thing is, I am not going to bump into you. Someone abandoned a loved one in the show I was watching as well. And again, I couldn't help but think of you. That's what you did. You walked away. Did you even read those emails I sent you? I mean, really? I know they show that kind of stuff in movies and when you come down to it, it's usually obvious that yes, that person did read your email. But with you, I really wonder. Did you read them? Did you delete them straight away and then made sure they were out of your trash can too? Do you look at my life from afar? Do you sometimes catch up with the things I post up? Do you think in your head, that I have just had exams/ graduated? I honestly wonder about that and I wish I had the answers but I don't think I am supposed to have the answers and I don't know if I really, really want them. But then I also wonder if I am the only one who still cares and whether, after your abandonment, you have completely moved on. It's hard to imagine that scenario, especially after the time we spent together. It's hard to imagine that you could hurt me the way you did. And you know what, I am vulnerable. I am a vulnerable person with a heart. Just like you. And so what you did, it wasn't nice and you had no reason to. And I hope you know that. I hope you know that you were the jerk, the douche, the mean one. I hope you know that this abandonment is on you, it's your fault, it's your wrong doing. I hope you know that, if anything, you owe me, for all that I ever did for you. And what I guess I am really wondering if when you said "I love you too" if it really was a true statement. 

I know I shouldn't care and that I should move on and most of the days, I am able to. But things trigger me back to this and I'd really like to get past it.
23 May 2010 @ 12:43 pm
Your betrayal left a scar. Your betrayal left a scar of anger and hatred. That anger and hatred, I like to think, came from your betrayal but it didn't. It came from the fact that I loved you. It came from the fact that I allowed myself to care so deeply for you. It came from the fact that I took care of you when you were at rock bottom. It came from the fact that I looked to share all my good news with you before anyone else. But that scar is starting to heal. The anger and hatred is subsiding. Acceptance is kicking in. Acceptance of the fact that shit does happen, people do let you down. People who meant the world to you, people who were you everything, people you considered your everyone - they will let you down. Not in the small form like they forgot to pick up food for you when you asked them to. No, they will let you down completely and utterly. They will break your heart, they will leave, they will not look back and so forth. And it will scar you, it will leave you bitter, it will leave you betrayed, it will make you think that you are going to end up being those "tough" personalities that you see on TV. Those people who don't let anyone in, those people who protect themselves like crazy because they have been hurt by someone they trusted and now they have this huge shield up. But what I am starting to realise is that, the scar will fade. Soon when you think about the hurt they caused you, it will not hurt as much because you will start forgetting the pain, the memories of the hurt won't be as clear. You will start realising the good in people again, you will start seeing that people on the whole are worth trying for because you are not the only person in the world to have been hurt on a large scale. You will hear stories about people going through the same thing as you and it will, in its own way, give you some comfort - to know that you are not alone. To know that this is a normal human phenomena. And maybe you will be a little careful before giving yourself away the way you did first time round, maybe you will be more careful in sharing secrets, in sharing songs, in sharing good times, but I'm sure that it will all be okay in the end. I believe that it will be.
15 May 2010 @ 08:55 pm
Do you know of any groups dedicated to writing? If you do, do you mind sharing?

Thank you!
15 May 2010 @ 08:54 pm
Mismatched thoughts are dangling over my consciousness. In a state of calm, juxtaposed by frenzy, my mind knows not what it desires. Isn't desire the responsibility of the heart? Refusal to acknowledge my heart, refusal to accept that my heart may play a role in this, the heart - my heart, is simply ignored. Connections, links, reminders, memories all intertwine with each other and become incomprehensible, impossible to separate, to grasp individually. The semantic value in everything becomes a semantic burden. The notion of meaning - who initiated it? Our whole lives revolve around the new and the old. Tossing out the old, embracing the new. The difficulties with throwing out the old, the meaning of the old, the place the old holds in our heart, the memories with the old, they linger around and diffuse into the new. The old makes a way into the new in the form of reminders and connections. The new, in its state of calm, becomes aligned with frenzy, elements of the old. And that is when I put my pen down and question - what is it that this mind desires, the old, the new? And the clever mind knows and the clever mind informs - it is nothing to do with that the mind desires. The fog shifts, there is a clear ray of light on the answer and it could be presented in a manner more evident - look in the heart. Easier said than done, as per usual. Will I peek in my heart, will I allow it to open up and put forward its opinion? Most likely no. My heart is messy and irrational. Those are the qualities we are supposed to embrace about our hearts, the wild side. I simply cannot. The liberation of my heart scares me. For now, the heart will not be not be consulted and the mind does not have an answer. It seems that these mismatched thoughts will remain.
14 May 2010 @ 12:19 am
Sunrises are better than sunsets by far. I like early mornings and the peacefulness that comes with it. I like the colour of the sky and how fresh it looks. I like how everything looks like it is waking up at the break of dawn, the roads, the side walks, the trees. I like waking up at six am without an alarm and feeling good because I've had enough sleep. I like being able to go back to sleep after waking up at six am and that feeling of having no obligations early in the morning. I like cuddling up in my blanket.  I am better at Math than Art. Who decided that Art consists of people with a more open mind, with more open interpretations, with more creativity? Who decided that Math follows linear thoughts and unimaginative people? Stigmatising subjects if one of my pet peeves, I think education should be broad and education should be about the the acquisition of plenty of new things. I love books and I love the whole idea of someone sitting down and pouring out this story that a bunch of people read and enjoy - on the train, in the library, before going to sleep. I like libraries. I like music. I like how the lyrics are direct and easy to relate to with some music, and I like the uncertainty and cryptic nature of other music. I like how some band dudes have cute messy hair. I like how lots of band dudes are cute in general. I think it's funny how I'd probably never go to shows consisting of these cute band dudes because there would be a bunch of annoying teenagers there who bug me with their very open and direct love (obsession) for the band in question. I'm kind of pretentious, especially with music. It's not something I mind about me. I have long hair and it forms curls at the bottom. I like it. I always pin up one side of my hair because I don't like it on my face when I'm working. I have been revising for Biology and awful lot and I hope that I do well on it. I like Biology and I like sciences. I like the explanations they provide for a lot of things and it bugs me when people reject science without getting to know it. I would like to know more of science but I have never really made the extra effort to acquaint myself with it. I mostly want to learn more about the universe and space, but I don't really know where to start. This fascination, I believe, began with me watching science fiction movies. My shoulders start hurting very easily. I like running in the morning. I like bikes and I don't think I could ever capture the feeling of being on a bike into words. I am a lover and I care an awful, awful lot. I don't exhibit this attribute much, or at all, but I know that it exists. I keep to myself a lot. I often wonder if I am not giving back the love I receive from the people around me, and I hope that's not the case. I'm a number of perks which intertwines with a fair share of flaws. I'm imperfection with a dying need for perfection. 
11 May 2010 @ 06:15 pm
Minutes turn into days, days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months. As time progresses, so do I. People comment on the changes they feel within themselves and I have done so myself. I have made claims announcing that I feel like a different person, that I am a different person, but I don't know whether much of that was really, really true. I guess it was true at the time, in that sense, because people are constantly evolving. But what I am trying to say is that, I feel very, completely, utterly different nowadays. I am the same person as I was a few months ago but at the same time, I am very different. Perhaps not to everyone, perhaps not to most, but to myself I am and that is completely fine because I know that I am not really me in all entirety to everyone else, only some. So I think if you saw me today, if you held a conversation with me today, after all this time, you would see that I am different yet the same, because it really was just you that got to see me and all my sides. 

Speaking of changes and differences, it seems to be that there were a number of things about you that I never got to know because you never allowed me to know. It seems like you had the ability to write, to get tangled in words, to use them efficiently and beautifully to you benefit, to tell a tale, to entertain, to humour, and to do so much, but you never acknowledged it. I hope that it wasn't something you were not telling me for the purpose of hiding that attribute, but something you just did not acknowledge yourself. Despite the downfall, I believe we would have had the dearest of friendships, had you allowed me to really know you instead of constructing situations that hurt me right at the core of my heart. You constantly tried, with intent, to break us down and though I understand your reasons, or at least some of your reasons, I wish you knew what I always knew - that I'd have considered you my best friend always despite who you were or weren't. I do miss that figure in my life. The figure that I shared everything witty and quirky with. The figure I told about heart-warming and profound things. The figure I shared my sadness with, the figure I shared my achievements with, the figure I shared dreams and aspirations with, the figure I shared my pain with, the figure I shared my everything with. I know that I was that figure for you too. And for that reason, I know that you are the only person who would be able to tell changes that I have undertaken.
10 May 2010 @ 08:07 pm
I'm sitting on my bed and writing on this blog. It feels like it has been a long time since I have sat on my bed and used my computer. It feels like it has been a long time since I have used my computer solely for the reason of entertainment and nothing important. Having said that, I still have tabs open with Biology notes so I am not technically the statement prior to this one is not completely true. I am really glad that I picked LiveJournal for this blog. I have tried blogger and such before and I know it sounds like an awfully weird thing to say - but I feel comfortable here. LJ was the first blogging site where I really started writing thoughts down and in the course of that, allowed myself to make some wonderful acquaintances and this is just where I feel I belong. There's another reason to this that I have just figured out. I don't know anyone on LiveJournal that I know in real life and that wasn't the case on my other blogs. I find it extremely and terribly difficult to write with the knowledge that someone I know will read it. It's a lot to do with my incomprehensible lack of ability to open up. I just can't, it is the utmost difficult thing for me to do. I know that a large number of people feel the same way when it comes to opening up, but it's funny how it works out. We are all scared of opening up and if we are all scared, then we should know how the other feels and just open up, right? But it's not as simple as that even though it could be and perhaps should be. However, that's not the pressing issue at the moment - I am not terribly discontent about my lack of ability to open up. I just need to be able to exhibit it in the form of writing for the time being. 
10 May 2010 @ 07:57 pm
Inspired by the beauty of liberation that comes with anonymity, I have made the decision to note down my musings here. My thoughts are in constant need to be made coherent, to be sophisticated. They hold an array of emotions and a myriad of issues. At present, there is nothing overly important that I have to put forward.