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26 May 2010 @ 01:39 am
i love you, too  
"I love you, too"

That is how it ended. Not a real life story - that's a perfect ending for a real life story. That's how the show ended, the show I had spend a lengthy amount of time watching. And I couldn't help but think about you when it ended. Think about you and think about various scenarios. Not memories. But those scenarios were fuelled, quite obviously, due to the memories I had with you. They were triggered by the fact that I loved you. Do I still love you? I do wonder about that. I think the real answer is that I don't know. But whenever I wonder that, I force my head to say no. Anyway, so I play these scenarios in my head. Scenarios of bumping into you and what I would say. Whether it would be dramatic in a quiet way, like I'd play a "you abandoned me so you don't really deserve a word from me" card, or whether I would just be indifferent. But the thing is, I am not going to bump into you. Someone abandoned a loved one in the show I was watching as well. And again, I couldn't help but think of you. That's what you did. You walked away. Did you even read those emails I sent you? I mean, really? I know they show that kind of stuff in movies and when you come down to it, it's usually obvious that yes, that person did read your email. But with you, I really wonder. Did you read them? Did you delete them straight away and then made sure they were out of your trash can too? Do you look at my life from afar? Do you sometimes catch up with the things I post up? Do you think in your head, that I have just had exams/ graduated? I honestly wonder about that and I wish I had the answers but I don't think I am supposed to have the answers and I don't know if I really, really want them. But then I also wonder if I am the only one who still cares and whether, after your abandonment, you have completely moved on. It's hard to imagine that scenario, especially after the time we spent together. It's hard to imagine that you could hurt me the way you did. And you know what, I am vulnerable. I am a vulnerable person with a heart. Just like you. And so what you did, it wasn't nice and you had no reason to. And I hope you know that. I hope you know that you were the jerk, the douche, the mean one. I hope you know that this abandonment is on you, it's your fault, it's your wrong doing. I hope you know that, if anything, you owe me, for all that I ever did for you. And what I guess I am really wondering if when you said "I love you too" if it really was a true statement. 

I know I shouldn't care and that I should move on and most of the days, I am able to. But things trigger me back to this and I'd really like to get past it.